"Could I Really...?"

I am so tired.

I am in the throes of terrible first trimester sickness and fatigue. I didn't experience this with my first two. Yes, I was sick and I was tired. But, I was not this sick and I was not this tired.

I didn't feel God's presence today. He was here...loving me and caring for me, I just didn't "feel" it. The boys needed me. They needed me starting at 6:30 am (they're not sleeping as well since we're not at home), and I cried. I cried because I felt so inadequate to mother them today. I cried because I felt so terribly ill. And, I cried because I felt so alone.

"How will I make it through today?", I asked myself at 11:30, when the idea of preparing lunch for the boys seemed totally overwhelming and I was realizing that "morning" sickness was yet again not an accurate description of what I was dealing with.

But, God is merciful; teaching and molding me through my circumstances...and He brought to mind a blog post that I had read over at GirlTalk last summer. You can read it here. Here is an excerpt from that post. It's a quote from David Powlison:

“Sickness, like any other weakness and trouble, should force us to stop, to face ourselves, and to look for the Lord. It’s a chance to find sins we have been too busy to notice and…a chance to find a quickened need for Jesus’ mercies and a deepened delight in God.”

Could I really use this "sickness" that I'm suffering with right now to face my sin, and to look for the Lord? I just expected Him to show Himself to me today (and each day that I suffer with this). And, I surely didn't want to deal with any "sin issues" today.

I suppose most blog posts end with...well, an "end"; a resolution of sorts. This isn't one of those posts. I am not leaving today behind with newly resolved and conquered sin. But, more likely than not, I am not leaving my sickness behind either.

So this post, like my day, is ending with a question...

"Could I really use this 'sickness' that I'm suffering with right now to face my sin, and to look for the Lord?"