Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Stuck.

I decided to take the youngest tots to the mall today while the oldest was at preschool.

Because it's 60 degrees out. And, that kind of weather deserves a celebratory shopping excursion.

I went into this - how shall I say it? - "uppity" store to see if I could find something to wear on a hot date I've got with my hubby on Saturday night.

The budget I had in mind was about $3.99, and I think that normally might have scored me a button. Or maybe one finger off of a glove.

But, I saw 75% off, and thought, "Eh, maybe Max won't spill his cheese on cheese crackers all over this snobby pristine store and there will be something that will make me look like a hot Momma instead of the cold pudding that I feel like these days."

High expectations. On both counts.

A trail of cheese on cheese cracker fallout followed us all the way back to the "I'm just browsing and too cheap to buy the stuff in the front, but thank you for asking" section of the store.

I found three semi-cute tops that seemed capable of hiding any evidence of belly pudding. And, hung them on the stroller.

I coaxed Max into the dressing room, and pulled the first shirt over my head. I squeezed and squirmed and finally got it onto my body and glanced at the mirror.

Let's just say cellophane isn't that snug on last night's leftovers.

My arms were starting to feel like the nurse was about to prick me with a needle and remove the elastic band that was turning my fingers purple - when it hit me.

I'm not gettin' out of this thing without a struggle.

I tried to pull it over my head. Nada. No budgey.

I tried to slip my arms out through the bottom. Nope.

I wrapped both of my arms around me in straight jacket fashion and yanked and pulled. Not a movin'.

Meanwhile, my adorable tot was coating the mirror with cheese. Lovely. But, an attempt at stopping him would have produced rips and tears heard 'round the world.

I realized that I would soon be calling the sweet, skinny 20-something who was surely sweeping up orange crumbs from the "Irresponsible parent with a cracker-toting toddler was here" floor and explaining to her that after you have kids, your body does strange and mysterious things, and that the predicament I was in was simply evidence of the wonderful bliss that is bearing a child.

But, the idea of her seeing my half nekked body was too much to bear. I was gettin' out of that thing, so help me God.

I was squirming and fighting and wiggling...

When I heard a little voice from the side seam of the shirt whisper, "I'm called a side zipper. You wouldn't know that 'cause you usually buy El Cheapo clothes and we don't hang with those types."

I told it to kiss my butt.

36 comments:

  1. OH MY LORDY, SARAH!

    I was going to tell you to check for a side zipper. ROFL!

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  2. (Not that I've been able to wear fancy schmancy clothes in the past six years.)

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  3. oh how I relate. I went shopping yesterday. What did I bring home? 2 pair of earrings.

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  4. Too funny. I get stuck in my clothes all the time-my pre baby ones. In my own twisted mind, I think that maybe I'll fit into them again...not going to happen.

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  5. hhehe
    you are beautiful and that story made me laugh. =)
    Did you end up finding an outfit?? Have fun on your date!!!
    love you!!

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  6. ROFL!!!! I think the voice you heard was Bob Ross. :P

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  7. Oh Sarah!! You're lucky - I only find the side zipper after I've struggled for 30 minutes getting the top off!

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  8. hilarious! I could totally see my self doing the SAME thing :)

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  9. I can picture absolutely every single part of that story and it is HI-larious. Oh my gosh Sarah, that was a much-needed laugh!!!

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  10. I went shopping with a size 2, never had kids, friend. It was only during this trip that I found out she does NOT wear underpants. Why? because I had to come in the dressing room and extract her from the dress she had squeezed into. Once I stopped laughing and being doubled over.

    Good to know this happens to skinny Minnies, too.

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  11. Too funny! You do realize that I would love to be as skinny as you are? I hope you found an outfit!

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  12. oh to be a fly on the wall =D
    i love the way you write!

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  13. too funny! i love your stories!

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  14. hahahahha! i would have done the same thing.
    and your son said nothing?
    oh, my children would loudly comment on my stretch marks and tummy baggage as i tried on things with them in the dressing room with me.
    i am SO GLAD to get to go into a dressing room alone (they are big enough now to stand outside the door with a foot showing under the door at all times. my 10 yr old son is relieved to say the least).

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  15. You're hilarious! Wish i was shopping with you today....I needed to laugh (it was a hard day):-(

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  16. Thank-you for making life so much more tolerable, and even, dare I say, enjoyable! Seriously fabulous post!

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  17. thanks for the laugh - really needed it! I can soooo relate. Hope you found something and have a great date!!

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  18. Laughing, laughing... Sar, only you are transparent enough to admit this crazy story to us. Every one of us has been in such a situation (or the like) but you said it, girl. Hilarious.

    And what is it with toddlers and clean mirrors?

    Have fun on your super hot date. Let me know when the next baby is due. *wink*

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  19. That is so funny but I can really imagine the slight panic that was rising!

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  20. That's too funny!! I got stuck in my grandmothers prom dress when I was in high school. I thought my mom was going to kill me. My arms were stuck over my head because the waist was stuck around my bust. Oops!! I made it out ok, but my sister got some great pictures of me looking really stupid!! And that was in high school. I'd be afraid to try anything like that after having two kids.

    Thanks for the laughs this morning!

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  21. This brings back a memory I thought I had forgotten. I am sure I still owe a store money for a ripped shirt I left in the dressing room!

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  22. :))) too funny. where are you guys going for Valentine's Day? hope you found something and I know you'll have a great time. think we're having an at home date.

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  23. I don't know which is funnier, this story or the way you tell it! I can SO relate to this story. I think I actually caused a bit of ripage once to a top after Adeline was born. Oops!

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  24. Oh my word Sarah this story is so funny. I agree with Lynn your ability to retell it in writing is priceless. I could picture the entire scene in my mind as I was reading it.. the cracker crumbs and all.

    I hope you found something fun for your hot date this weekend.

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  25. What a great piece! Thanks for sharing!!!

    Happy Valentine's Day. Have a great date night!

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  26. My dearest Sarah,

    Your writing is marvelous! I'm still laughing.
    Love you.
    Mom

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  27. Sarah, that is too funny! And I can totally relate...I've had the exact same thing happen to me before. Thanks for the much-needed laugh!

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  28. As I prepare for swimsuit and shorts season, you make me chuckle. Cellophane on last night's leftovers. A RIOT!

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  29. Okay, only a tale a "real" mom could tell.

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  30. Haven't we all be there at one time or another? ;)

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  31. I am smiling so big. I hopped over from RIMD and I am glad I did. Thanks for the smile!

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  32. So funny! I have had a similar panic-stricken experience.

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  33. This made me laugh so hard I cried. Thanks for taking us to the mall with you Sarah...and for being brave enough to share a feeling that we can all relate to. Very well written.

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