Hope

Many years ago, when I was in high school, I laid flat on my back in a body cast.

For many, many months.

Subsequently, during all four years of high school, I walked with crutches. I didn't have a boyfriend. And, though I was just like every other high school girl who longs to be noticed and loved, I didn't really expect to have one.

Because what high school boy wants to date the girl who can't walk?

As God began to heal me - after my third three-month stint in that horrible body cast - I learned to walk with a cane.

And, the day I graduated from high school, I decided it was time to let go of the security of my cane and walk - for the first time since the beginning of ninth grade.

But, I would look down at the scars on my legs, or cringe in pain from the arthritis that would never go away, and I couldn't let go of the question: Who will ever want me?

Less than three years later, I met my husband. The sweet and tender boy who looked past the scars that cover my legs, who walked slowly, hand-in-hand with me when my arthritis kept me steps behind everyone else, and who sat next to my hospital bed, hour upon hour, after my first hip replacement.

In a great miracle in my life, that boyfriend became my husband one cold and sunny December day. And, his love for me made my scars seem to fade.

As we began to think about starting a family, I looked down with freshly doubting eyes at the scars on my legs - the evidence of the trauma of my past surgeries. I could feel the effects of arthritis on my body and I was filled, again, with doubt. Upon doubt. Will I ever be a mother?

This Mother's Day, I have been overwhelmed as I recall my past experiences of doubt. Those long days in my body cast as a self-conscious teenager. Longing to be loved, but not feeling worthy. My desire for children, but not believing motherhood could happen to me.

I so vividly remember the doubting. I remember how it felt to not know if or when. On so many levels. And, for things I desperately longed to experience.

For some things in my life, God has said: No. Or the ever-difficult: Wait.

But, today - Mother's Day - I want to celebrate His loud and resounding, YES!, in my life. His victory over the fears of my past.

I asked my boys for one gift this year: A picture. Of them with me.

Because it tells a story of hope. Of grace. Of a tender and loving God who heard my heart's longing amidst a sea of doubt.

Because it says everything I want to remember about Mother's Day this year.

Because it is my life's song:

Look at what God has done!